What’s your favourite flavour of suffering?

I could actually finish it here, just with the question since it’s smart enough. But let me show you something…

We have default states of our minds, states that we somehow get back to no matter what. For some of us – the default state is being happy. For others, it’s about being unhappy, suffering, and doing so in a very specific way.

Maybe you change your work every 1-1,5 years ending up being frustrated about what others do (or don’t do – this one works better when it comes to frustration). No matter what place you choose, in the end, you feel the same way. Instead of looking at the reasons why you got there in the first place, you keep looking at the things that don’t work there.

Maybe you get jealous all the time, constantly looking at what others have and you don’t, no matter how much you actually achieve yourself. You work hard to get a better-paid job, a happier relationship, or a bigger house, and there is always something else there you can be jealous about. Instead of looking at what you gained, you look at what you are still missing.

Or maybe you constantly end up in a relationship that frustrates you? Your spouse does exactly the things that you hate, and they should know by now not to do it, right?

Or maybe you overwork yourself and keep worrying that if you stop, it’s going to be a disaster for your family? Worry makes you work harder instead of smarter.

For me, it was sadness. Sadness was my default, and I prevented myself from being happy when others could see me. My fear was that when I was happy, I would become responsible for others around me, as they would just stop doing their work. They would suck the happiness out of me and would take all that I have (emotions and other possessions) since they were entitled, plus I didn’t need it – I was happy already. In addition to that, I would be called heartless when being happy for various reasons, and there always was at least one. How can you be happy when… and here it was, always something different, a reason why the world was not perfect and, as such, not allowing me to be happy.

As stupid as it sounds, it did happen to me enough times that I’ve learnt not to show happiness. And when you don’t show it, you hardly ever feel it either.

It’s a learnt way of thinking and acting, which is good news since we can unlearn that in a few simple (and simple doesn’t mean easy) steps. Here’s how:

1. Identify what and who made you hide happiness behind your default flavour of suffering. Was that expected from you, did it make you belong? Was that somehow appreciated? Does it say anything about you (e.g., only simpletons are happy; wise people are not)? Did showing a form of suffering save you from even bigger suffering? It’s easier to break a pattern if you understand it first.
2. Find out how you’d like to feel in all the situations where you default to your favourite flavour of suffering. What is the ideal state you want to get to? Imagine yourself feeling that way and acting the way to keep the feeling.
3. Try once and see what happens. Do your fears from the past, those you discovered in point 1 of this list, materialise, or has the world changed enough to react differently to your happiness?
4. If they don’t turn out to still be true, keep doing what you’re doing. To help yourself stay in good feelings, try focusing on all the positive aspects of your file. Instead of worry and frustration, focus on appreciation and gratitude.
5. If they did (unlikely, but still a possibility) – maybe it’s time to make a decision that you can be happy no matter how others judge you.

It takes a belief that you can be happy despite all the things that are not going the right way. The world doesn’t need to be perfect for you to be happy in it, and waiting for perfection to happen is a waste of time.

Such a behaviour change is also not something that can happen overnight. Try some small steps. Persistence is a very useful skill here, like with every other change. So don’t despair when you default to your favourite flavour of suffering from time to time. Awareness and emergency brakes are key here to start.

But the most important thing is that you need to give yourself permission to be different from what you are now. Permission to be happy and to stop the suffering.