What the pop culture feeds us about love, and why you don’t want that

OK, let me start straight – our perception is skewed. It’s the same as it is with winning the lottery – you see only those who won, not those who did not, so you think that winning is much more probable than it actually is. Similarly, what we hear and see about love is only what the pop culture (or even the culture in general) serves us. Since it’s the unhappiness that sells and unhappiness that makes us more creative, the majority of songs, books, and movies are about complicated love affairs. And this forms the view we take as true.

It’s called availability heuristic bias. The problem with it is that when we are constantly exposed to difficulties in relationships, and to love that makes us more unhappy than happy, crosses our boundaries, and hurts us – we think it’s normal and this is how our relations should be. Happiness and wise decisions are not interesting. Unfortunately, it’s been like that for ages.

Tormenting each other

I guess you’ve seen or read Wuthering Heights. It’s a classic example of a bond that is toxic and makes both parties suffer. If it was a physical torment, we would have a classic Sado-Maso piece of work and it would be definitely less appealing. Since it’s psychological – it has grown into a vision of love beyond the grave.

The truth is that your relationship is the place where you have to feel well, better than elsewhere. A relationship that brings you both extreme sorrow and extreme happiness is very addictive (such a swing is a way to manipulate people), and difficult to get away from. Those who experienced a relationship with a borderline personality person know exactly what I’m talking about. But this is not a healthy relationship. It lacks the stability that, although perceived sometimes as boredom, is a baseline for a healthy love life.

He’ll change with one kiss

Oh, this is a good one. Men simply change when they are loved because it’s only love they miss and their behaviour has nothing to do with them – it’s just a shield.

From Beauty and the Beast, through The Frog Prince, to some modern versions like Hauru (actually, anime is full of this motif).

In reality, it often goes like this: “If I love him enough, he’ll stop drinking” or he’ll stop the self-destruction process whatever form the self-destruction takes. This is not how it works. People do change, but only when they want. It needs to be their conscious decision and has nothing to do with the strength of the love they are given. If you have a mission in life and you have to help people – do it at work, or volunteer, but never do it in a relationship. Relationships are about partnership and about being equal, and not about one being the other one’s saviour.

The lone wolf

Taming a man who’s never been tamed is tempting. It’s very untrue that women don’t get the chase (and btw, The Thomas Crown Affair is one of the Lone Wolf movies). It’s the unavailability that’s interesting and more valuable than availability. Things that come easily are not valued by people in general, no matter the sex.

The reality of a relationship is that it’s the opposite that counts. It’s how available and open we actually are that makes relationships grow. And trusting that the lone wolf (or she-wolf 😉 ) will change when in a relationship is a perfect recipe for… disaster. It’s only fairytales (Sex and the City, and Dr. Quinn) that make it seem like a great choice.

I’ll change who I am for love

The Little Mermaid kind of story about how we do it all, no matter how painful to win someone’s love. And it’s not only about walking in high heels that can be painful with every step. 😉 It’s mostly about the denial of who we really are and what we want that’s important here.

I’m not fond of the “love me the way I am and all aspects of who I am” kind of acceptance because I believe in self-development and growth. But acceptance is key and there are limits to how much we can, should, and want to change for the other person. When we give up who we are, we lose parts of ourselves and that is the opposite of self-love. And without loving ourselves, we are not fully capable of loving someone else. Why? Because we will either:

• feel unaccepted and will require that person to constantly boost our self-esteem for us
• or we will feel like frauds in the relationship and won’t be able to focus on making things better but will focus on hiding the part that we deny

If your partner makes you feel inadequate or not the right person – don’t try to grow up to the expectations. Simply go where you’re accepted and where mutual growth is valued.

The dark secret

The Bluebeard guy… Or the Jane Eyre version of it… If you have to look away from something in your partner – it’s not a good place to be either. One of the basic elements of a healthy relationship is lacking here. It’s called trust. If you cannot feel safe in a relationship, you should run away.

There is a common belief that a partner who didn’t treat their previous partners well, will somehow magically change and will be nice to us, because… (and here goes a rationalization). It hardly ever happens. And it again takes a conscious decision to change. Such things don’t just happen.

Why the post in the first place? Because I believe in the power of critical thinking and want to show you how the things that surround you can potentially influence how you think. It’s all about growing your own mind and not accepting everything you are given.

If, for any reason, you want to follow one of the above love patterns – so be it. But it needs to be your own conscious choice and not just a reflex after reading too many novels or watching too many movies.