Gifts

Gifts are one of the hardest things in life to get right. We either struggle to find the right one or to react the right way.

And then, there is also the minimalist movement – that “no more stuff” approach (myself included) – because getting more “stuff” doesn’t make us feel more loved.

So, as the gift season is coming to town, let’s think about gifts differently for once. And if you have a minimalist friend who says: “don’t buy me anything”, this might be your solution.

Giving emotions instead of things

We often associate things — material stuff — with emotions, because that’s the easy way out. We assume emotions follow the gifts we give. But what happens then is that those emotions last five minutes, and a gift that brings five minutes of joy isn’t really a gift at all — it’s a shiny piece of rubbish.

Sometimes it’s worse. People buy gifts not to make the other person happy but to feel good themselves. 😉 Or, even worse, to earn something back later in a quiet “now you owe me” transaction.

So maybe it’s time to flip it. Instead of stuff → emotion, start with emotion → stuff. Ask yourself: what do I actually want this person to feel? Let that decide what, if anything, you buy.

What emotion do you want to offer?

Think about the emotion you want to give, how do you want to make them feel? Cared for? Loved? Appreciated? Special? (Though “special” has been completely hijacked by holiday marketing.) Try going beyond the usual “I love you”, “I care”, or “you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

If you have kids, they probably want to hear “I’m proud of you.” So ask yourself — what small thing could carry that message in your relationship?

If you want someone to feel seen, maybe it’s a framed photo from a moment they achieved something or two photos side by side showing how far they’ve come. That quiet “look how far you’ve come” message.

Other messages could be “I made this having you in mind” or “you inspire me”.

Years ago, someone who tuned car engines named two of them after me. Obviously, I don’t have the engines at home – they went back to the rightful owners – they were not the gift. But the act of naming them was a gift on its own.

This is not always about handing someone a thing. It’s about showing they’ve inspired something in you. Sometimes, a simple picture and a short note can do more than anything wrapped in paper. And if you’ve ever made or done something because someone inspired you, telling them so might be the best gift you can give.

The meaning

The thing is that stuff without meaning is just… stuff. And people like me already have enough of it. But there’s always space for things with meaning.

So maybe it’s about what you actually want to tell someone — something only you can say and haven’t yet. Or better still, something they’d love to hear from you.

Think along… “I want your life to be easier”, “I want you to be as independent as you want”, “I want you to be safe”, “I want your life to be exciting”. And just to be clear, this should never be a “you should…” message.

Still, it doesn’t have to be material… We all want to feel special in our friends’ lives. So anything that says, “I want to spend more time with you, and here’s how I’m making that happen,” is a wonderful gift (especially if you’ve been neglecting it for a while). A weekend plan that says, “I’ve cleared my schedule; you matter more than my to-do list,” speaks louder than any gadget could.

The past emotions

Not all emotions need to point to the future. Sometimes it’s about revisiting the past — but differently.

When I was a kid, my father and I used to meet at a café with white wooden tables and a shiny white piano someone played. It’s a vivid memory, even though the place doesn’t exist anymore. (And I always wanted one of those metal sundae cups they used — still do, to be honest, but they don’t make them anymore. ;))

A modern version of that would be a nice restaurant, preferably with a black piano and wine instead of ice cream. Something that says, “I still remember the kid in you, even though you’re not the kid anymore — let’s honour both parts today.”

Recreating old moments with a new flavour can be a lovely gift — provided the relationship isn’t hanging by a thread. 😉 The trick is to acknowledge what’s changed since then. We’re not static, and simply trying to relive the past can feel hollow.

New memories

This one sounds obvious — and yes, “experiences” are now a buyable product — but that’s not what I mean.

Last July, for my father’s birthday, we decided not to do gifts. We just spent the day together, took photos, laughed — and at the end of the party, he got a small printed album with pictures from that day. (A portable photo printer can be a game changer.)

That was our way of saying, “We had a great day together – and here’s your little memory set to revisit it whenever you want.”

So this kind of gift is a reminder of good moments. Not necessarily shared ones — if they had an amazing time without you, let it be theirs. Sometimes the best gift is acknowledging their joy instead of inserting yourself into it.

Bypassing the “I don’t want anything”

There is one thing that always gets past the “I don’t want anything” defence – it’s effort.

If you truly want to give someone something, let it be the effort of really knowing them. Not the time spent scrolling for ideas, but the time spent understanding what drives them, what they care about, what moves them.

It’s like saying: “I get what matters to you — not just what entertains you for a minute.”

Ask yourself: is there something this person values that reflects how they see the world? Something you can add to from that inner place of theirs?

And if nothing comes to mind – sorry to say it, but you probably haven’t taken the time to know them well enough. Because everyone has that something. You just have to care enough to see it.