The (self-)help community promises you that you can be anyone you like and any way you like. That the new version of you is waiting just around the corner. And that if you run fast enough, you will bump into each other so hard that you will merge into a new you.

But what if I told you it wasn’t possible to change every single thing in ourselves? What if I told you there are patterns that are not rewireable? Would life get easier for you? Or more difficult?

I’ll tell you a personal story, a very personal one. When I was 16, I fell in love very deeply – not exactly what you call puppy love. It lasted over 3 years.

But the moment I started to show glimpses to the guy that I cared about him – no chasing, no outward gestures, no declarations – he pulled away and shut down the whole connection, later naming the move as doing it so I could heal. If you can imagine how ghosting could work 30 years ago, that’s what it actually was – avoiding someone and not talking to them at all (yet passing by every day multiple times). Did it work? Did I heal? No – quite the opposite. What it actually taught me was that when I care, it’s safer not to show anything or I can lose that person. That one time was all it took for the message to sink in.

The same guy decided to give it a chance two years later. But the day after he kissed me and walked me home, he called me, saying that he wasn’t ready to be with anyone and that friends was all he could offer. So what did this teach me? In addition to the previous lesson, it taught me that when someone leans in, it isn’t real and they may change their minds the very next day. It actually taught me to expect it. 

I would lie if I said those patterns do not live in me anymore. It’s not that my life has proved me (or the pattern) right. It actually proved it all wrong. But it doesn’t mean I don’t get triggered the very same way each time something resembles the old situation.

Despite what pop psychology tells you – that enough of different experience can rewire your brain – and despite the fact that neuroplasticity really does work, some patterns are so deep or so early in our experiences that all we can do is build new ones next to them. But the old fears may never disappear, no matter how much counter-evidence life shows us.

You can learn new ways to respond around them – you can train your nervous system to notice the old reflex, pause, and choose differently. That doesn’t erase the pattern; it builds a parallel track. But a parallel track is sometimes all there is.

Old pattern, micropatterns, and different tracks

Have you ever broken a bone? If so, you know that it will always show in an X-ray even years or decades after it’s healed.

I like thinking about early experiences the same way. No matter if they are very negative, positive, or just neutral, they shape our brains forever. And the unfortunate thing is that we are not taught how to recognise those crucial moments and consciously build the parallel experience. Unlike with bones, when we often do physiotherapy after an injury, we don’t properly exercise our brains. We just take the experiences in and keep them intact for years. Or even self-confirm them in two ways.

One is that our brains, by default, interpret every similar behaviour (even small ones) as proof of the old story. The fear strikes, and the whole system shuts down, going into survival mode. We go into analysis, control, or self-protection immediately after the trigger, so our bodies never get to fully register the bigger picture.

This is the micropattern view. We interpret the in-the-moment situation as a repetition, and when it turns out differently over time – it doesn’t feel like the pattern has changed. More like this time we again managed to dodge a bullet. Our micro-pattern focus overrides the evidence and the potential positive effect of the bigger picture.

Another issue is that we focus on things too close to the core of the pattern, while our bodies are looking for a full, corrective cycle.

Let’s take my story as an example. The pattern was: I show I care → someone else withdraws → end of the story. A natural pattern to look for would be: I show I care → someone else withdraws → return. But that may not do the trick, because it still follows the same negative connotation; it only adds a different ending.

A better pattern to consciously look for could be: I show I care → continued (or increased) closeness. Or: I show I care → continued closeness → someone else withdraws → safe repair → continued closeness. Focusing on anything that shows no signs of the problem – i.e., the withdrawal – is the right thing to focus on to build the parallel track.

It won’t replace the old one and may not diminish the old fears, but it will show your body that there are different solutions. Only, sometimes, they require different people to experience different behaviours.

Some limits are just external

Even if you do everything “right”, some people just won’t react the “right” way. Not because of you, but because of their own wiring. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it just means the system you’re practising rewiring needs both sides to land. Just like it takes two to tango – it takes two to rewire.

The surprisingly positive thing in life is that we rarely have all the control we think we need – usually, we have very little. Controlling other people’s reactions is a prime example. It’s impossible, which means that their reactions are less about you missing the sweet spot and more about their own perception and behaviours. And that’s good, because it makes your role in the whole story much smaller and adds perspective: maybe your worst moments are actually less meaningful than you think.

The whole life goal doesn’t have to be about emerging like a phoenix with entirely new plumage once and for all. You don’t have to wake up one day and be able to act differently with everyone. Sometimes all we need is to find one person with whom we can use and strengthen the parallel track. Not to rewire our brains and bodies to perfection, but simply to experience something different in a consistent way. That may actually be enough.

What if you just acted and ignored the consequences? 

You can’t undo decades of reinforcement in a few months. Yes – repeated, small, safe exposures can create new associations. But some reactions are so deep that they’ll never disappear completely. You will likely still live with the fears. They can be about showing anger. Or love. Or saying no. Or stopping people-pleasing. Or being 100% all the time. They can be about anything.

And here we get to the main question – will the fear stop you from acting differently forever? Will it prevent you from trying? How much safety do you need to act? 100% sure it won’t repeat the old pattern? 90%? 80%? What time horizon do you use to check – 1 minute? 1 month? 1 year?

What would it take to simply experience a situation as an exercise or just as a one-time life moment, separate from all the imagined consequences? Because if it’s not life-threatening, breaking the law, or hurting someone else – all the threats we imagine are likely just that: imagination.

Yes, some experiences feel like dying – rejection, abandonment – they were designed to feel that way to stop us from leaving the group, for survival. But they only feel like dying. They aren’t.

So next time, instead of waiting until you’re fully safe or a perfectly new self, just accept that the old patterns are likely to stay with you forever. And do the thing you long for – so you at least give yourself a chance to experience connection in ways your nervous system never expected.